Be Reliable (Not Obnoxious) in a Time of Mourning

The time is coming, maybe sooner...maybe later, when you will be called on to mourn with those who are mourning. Here are four tips to help you be better support with those in hard times.

Most of the year, I’ve tried to write in blocks of themes that carry through several weeks. This month will be more of a hodgepodge of topics, but I will end the year with an Advent series. I look forward to sharing that with you!

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I’ve been in full-time vocational ministry for the last 10+ years. During these ten years, I’ve been much more active in the full scope of ministry than in my earlier stint (also almost 10 years). One of the things I’ve done much more is officiate funerals.

At our church, funerals tend to happen in waves. In a week, we’ll have 2-3 funerals and then nothing for months. We recently went through one of those waves, so I officiated several funerals. This led me to consider what I’ve learned over the last few years about ministering to families during seasons of heartache.

You probably aren’t a pastor, but there will be times when you have no choice but to care for the people in your life who are walking through loss. Some of us have the natural gifts of care and mercy, but many don’t. If I’m being honest with you (and myself), those gifts aren’t natural for me.

Here are four things you can do when encountering someone dealing with loss in their lives.

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

1. Embrace silence

When someone has lost someone important to them, it is time to grieve with them. This can mean helping them remember, cry, or laugh, but it might just be a time to be silent. 

This is exactly what we find in the Book of Job. After Job loses everything (family, home, and wealth), his friends come to be with him. This is how they start their time with Job:

“When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. 
-Job 2:11-13

Seven days of silence. This may have been the best thing these friends of Job do in the book. Their feet were in their mouths every time they spoke.

We live in a culture that is uncomfortable with silence, but you should feel free to sit and be quiet. This may be especially true if you are at the hospital or home as a loved one is dying or has just passed.

Our church has a class for new members, and it includes video stories of the value of being in a spiritual community. One of these stories is about how the leaders of a small group ministered to a church member and her family immediately following her husband’s death. In her story she explains how these leaders came to her house that day as she met with the pastor. She said,

“Their presence offered essential help.
They were quiet, but I knew they were praying.”

This leads me to what might be the most important tip I have for you.

2. Match energy, not emotion.

Nobody likes the guy who doesn’t know how to read the room. He walks in with an emotion that is entirely different than everyone else. Sometimes, it’s a good thing, but it can be the worst in times of grief.

Solomon is known as one of the most wise men ever, and he writes in what might be the best advice you can get for helping those who hurt:

“Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.”  -Proverbs 25:20 NLT

Being upbeat and joyful around someone mourning may seem like common sense, but it can be challenging to remember when you encounter it. Our natural bent is to project happiness when encountering people in an emotional struggle—especially when we are not attached to the pain.

When you meet someone with a heavy heart, match their energy. If they are up, you can be up, too, but if they are quiet and somber, you should be peaceful. You probably can’t match their emotion, but you can mirror the energy they are displaying.

If you match energy, you can help them process their feelings because they need to feel all their emotions.

3. Help them feel all the feelings

The energy will most likely shift as the conversation progresses. She will remember the good times and positive things about the person or thing lost. Tears often turn to laughter, but it is her choice when and how to enter those memories.

Again, Solomon writes about the different seasons we walk through. There is a time for everything. He says:

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 NLT

I can’t tell you how often I hear Christians express shame for their tears in times of mourning. They think that because their loved one is in heaven, they shouldn’t mourn. How false this is! Remind them that it’s okay to feel all the feelings.

I’m not a therapist and don’t play one on TV, but I know it’s vital for people to feel their feelings. They need to laugh, cry, and be angry. It will all take time to process, and you can help them do that.

There is a season for it all. Your job is to encourage them to feel the feelings. 

4. Love well

You may not consider pastoring a top spiritual gift. Feeling feelings, being quiet, or matching energy may be challenging. It is for me, but what spurs me on has nothing to do with being a pastor. I’m compelled to care for people because it is the call we have as followers of Jesus.

Read this short passage from Paul’s letter to the Romans: 

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.  -Romans 12:9-16 NIV

I picked out a few vital words and phrases from this passage in which Paul writes to EVERY believer—no matter what their spiritual gift is:

1. Sincere Love

2. Devotion

3. Serving God (by loving others)

4. Share with those in need

5. Practice hospitality

6. Rejoice with those who rejoice

7. Mourn with those who mourn

8. Don’t be proud

These define what it means to love well, which is what you are called to do.

For some of us, mourning with others by being silent, matching energy, feeling the feelings, and loving well is hard. It’s not our natural bent. Grieving with someone is one of the most genuine ways to love and care for someone. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. Grief is hard work. Honor those who have lost with your quiet care.

May you love well.

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Let me close by thanking two new newsletter subscribers — Patrick and Cynthia. I’m incredibly grateful for Delores as a new paid subscriber. The best way to support this newsletter is to share it with your friends.

I appreciate everyone who generously shared last week’s post. -Andy