You are a Guide. Here's how to guide well.

Whether it's an innate ability or something learned, you are a leader. If you want to be better at guiding the heroes in your life, here are three tips to see them become the stars in their stories.

Nature vs Nurture
(or from amazing to incredible)

In 1980, Robert Safran walked onto a community college campus in Upstate New York to attend classes. Traversing through campus, he was approached by person after person, welcoming him back to school. Girls gave him kisses, welcoming his return. Robert had never been on campus. These were his first moments at the school.

The year before, another student, Edward Galland, had attended the school and looked just like Robert. Eddie looked just like Bobby—hair, build, height, mannerisms, everything. Eventually, one of Eddie’s friends from the previous year finds Robert and asks two questions: When is your birthday? Are you adopted? Robert’s answers mirrored Eddie's—same birthday, and both were adopted! Together, the friend and Robert jump in a car to head to Eddie’s home on Long Island, where Robert and Edward are reunited as long-lost twins.

Then, an amazing story goes to incredible.

As the heartwarming news of these two twins finding one another after 19 years of separation spreads, another young man looks at their picture and thinks, “I could be the third.” Indeed, David Kellman was the third brother of these triplets, separated at birth.

Miss Linda said…

You can read more about these brothers and even watch a documentary about their story¹, but for our purposes, I want to focus on the nature versus nurture aspect of this story. When the brothers found one another, one of the storylines was how similar they were in the small details—mannerisms, cigarettes they smoked, being high school wrestlers, etc. They were raised in entirely different environments (white-collar, blue-collar, middle-class) but were strikingly similar in so many ways.

What is innately within us? What is built in us over time by the surroundings we live in?

I attended preschool when I was three or four years old, and my teacher, Miss Linda, told my mom, “Andrew is a leader.” She picked and called out something in my little personality. However, over the years, if I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times from my mom, “Miss Linda said you are a leader.”

I’ve grown up to lead boys, girls, men, and women. Was it naturally within me? Was it built within me over time because of how Miss Linda perceived me?

I don’t have the answer, but asking it of myself has led me to this conclusion: We are all leaders.

You are a leader.

The capacity you have to lead may be greater or lesser than mine. The ways you lead may be different than mine. You may lead a small group of co-workers or an entire corporation. It could be a team of third-grade Boy Scouts. No matter what it looks like, you are a leader.

This month, I’ve been sharing a philosophy of viewing life through the lens of story. We all love stories; every story has characters vital to a compelling narrative. Four characters are most important to a story: the hero, the victim, the villain, and the guide. As you process this grid, the critical question to answer is whether you are playing the hero or the victim in your story. Then, you want to determine who your guide, mentor, or leader is.

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You live as the hero of your story, but within other people’s stories, you will play a different character. If you lead the hero, then you are playing the guide.

Today, I want you to step outside your story and think about the people around you. Think about your part in their story. My goal is for you to answer two questions:

1. Who are you guiding? 

2. Are you guiding them well?

Who are you guiding?

The answer to the first question goes back to the roles you play in your world. Some of you are married with children and may have a leadership position in your job. The answers to the who are you guiding question becomes more straightforward. To a certain degree, you lead your spouse. Sometimes, I lead Kia, but she often plays the guide in my life. As a parent, you play the guide to your children, and as you mature, you will also guide your parents and siblings. You play the guide at work and in the organizations you volunteer for.

Photo by Lanju Fotografie on Unsplash

Some of you reading this may be younger, or you are single, or you are just getting started in your career. You don’t have a management position at work. You volunteer, but you are the assistant, not the leader. I challenge you to think about your friendships and work relationships. No matter your title, there are moments when you are called on to speak into the lives of those around you. You are more than just a friend; you are a guide.

In this series of posts, I’ve been using the story of David’s rise to king of Israel to see how the four characters interact.

In the story of David, Jonathan began as David's natural guide. He was the crown prince of Israel and a general of the army. Over time, the tables turned. David was anointed to be the next king of Israel, and his influence in the nation grew stronger as Saul became weaker. Yet, it was Jonathan who guided David until Jonathan’s untimely death.

So again, consider those around you. Who are you guiding? But knowing who you are guiding isn't enough. Are you guiding the heroes in your life well?

Are you guiding well?

Over the past 35 years of holding leadership positions, I’ve found a few principles that help me determine whether I am guiding the heroes around me well. These aren’t earth-shattering revelations, but these subtle shifts will transform your leadership.

1. Be honest.

One mistake leaders make is trying to act like we aren’t affected by adverse circumstances around us. The hero’s goal is to overcome the obstacles in their path to achieve the great things they foresee in their lives. One obstacle is the feelings of inadequacy they experience. The people you lead need to know their feelings are natural, and you can help them by showing them your feelings of fear, rejection, and pain.

You can ease their concerns by sharing the moments in your life when you felt the same. This might mean being more vulnerable than you are comfortable with being. However, when a hero knows she’s not alone in her feelings of not being enough, it empowers her to power through the obstacles in front of her. 

When Saul began to descend deep into the pit of jealousy and envy, Jonathan didn’t believe he intended to truly hurt David. However, upon further investigation, Jonathan realized it wasn’t safe for David to stay in the capital, so he told David to run. It was a difficult conversation with his best friend, but as the guide, he had no choice but to be honest with David.² 

Honesty isn’t just sharing the negative things ahead; be positive, too.

2. Be positive.

You’ve been put in the place of a guide for a reason, and one of those reasons is being able to see what lies beneath the surface of the hero who stands in front of you. Make sure to call that out of them. Remind the heroes in your life of what lies deep within them.

In the last recorded conversation between David and Jonathan, David is hidden deep within the wilderness of Israel. Jonathan finds David and reminds him of who God created him to be—the king of Israel. 

And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. 
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” 
-1 Samuel 23:16-17

Jonathan knows, Saul knows, and David knows he is to be king, but this truth may have faded from David’s memory as he spent day after day on the run. Notice how Jonathan provides “strength in God” by reminding David of what is deep within him. 

As the guide in the life of a hero around you, share what you see within that person. And when the time is right, get out of the way.

3. Get out of the way.

A brutal truth about being a guide is you aren’t the hero. You aren’t supposed to be the MVP — the hero is meant to be the star. This means leading the hero(s) in your life until they are ready to take over, and then it’s time to get out of the way.

This attitude is what makes Jonathan so great. Jonathan did the hard work of confronting his father, but then he got out of the way to allow David to deal with this adversary. Jonathan never saw the final win of David becoming king of Israel, but he foresaw it and celebrated it with David.³

You can find an excellent example in Super Bowl LIV (2020).

In a podcast interview⁴, former KC Chiefs fullback Anthony Sherman described the game-sealing play. Needing just enough yards to run out the clock, Sherman turned to running back Damien Williams and said, “Just follow me.” The play developed from running right down the middle to the outside. Williams followed Sherman for the first down but didn’t stop there; he continued running until he reached the end zone. 

Anthony Sherman, the guide, got out of the way of Damien Williams, the hero. Of course, Sherman didn’t complain when Williams didn’t stop after gaining the yards for the first down. No, he ran to the end zone and was first to celebrate the winning touchdown. 

The best guides know when to get out of the way of the hero.

Guide to Villain

Be careful, though. It is easy to turn from guide to villain. It is just one step away. Saul tried to guide David, but he couldn’t stop himself from being the villain.

Next week, we’ll explore how a guide can quickly become a villain through a tiny twist in their attitude. You know a guide is turning into a villain when they become the guard instead of the guide.

1. In fact, rumors swirl that Ben Stiller is in talks to make a movie about these triplets, too

2. 1 Samuel 20

3. Jonathan confronts his father in 1 Samuel 20 (when he also is honest with David about Saul’s rage). Jonathan foresaw and celebrated David’s rise to power in 1 Samuel 23, but unfortunately, Jonathan died (1 Samuel 31) before he realized David’s crowning as king (2 Samuel 5).

4. You can listen to the interview here - go to minute 53 or so.